I Just Want Someone

I hate being single. I don't care what anyone else who is in a relationship says, being single is horrible. I had a friend who told me that being in a relationship isn't that great. I wanted to slap her across the face. She was, and still is, involved in what I see as the worst relationship among people I know (she's completely abandoned our friendship and has made no effort to make amends, so, I refuse to call her a friend anymore). What really angered me was how selfish she was being when she said that. She had the opportunity to be with somebody who cared for her, and would be there for her, and she had the audacity to tell me it wasn't worth it, right after I had vented to her about how lonely I felt and how badly I wished to be in a relationship with another guy. I'm a really social person; I love being with good friends as often as I can. I love my alone time, but I really love being with other people who I know care about me. Because of my social personality, it has been really hard being single for so long. At first, it didn't really bother me too much, but as more and more of my friends entered serious relationships, I became jealous, very jealous. Of course, I'll never admit this to them; I have too much damn pride to admit that I am jealous of my friends. I want somebody who I can call at midnight and will come with me to the beach and just lay there with me. I want a guy who can cry on my shoulder, someone I can tell how much I love them, somebody who will stand up for me, laugh with me, or just sit silence with me.

What I hate the most is how I have to wait. If I ever mention how I wish I was in a relationship, people always tell me that I'll be able to have that in college. And I fucking hate that! Why the fuck do I have to wait?? What the fuck did I do to not be able to enjoy a stupid high school relationship? It just isn't fair; and please don't fucking tell me that life isn't fair. I'm quite aware of life's inequalities. People always say that high school relationships are stupid and whatnot. But according to many psychological studies, younger people experience more intense emotions, which eventually level out as we age. This explains why young people are more exuberant and passionate compared to older people. I want to be able to feel the intense emotions which come with a high school relationship. And I'm not saying couples don't experience great emotion in college or their young adulthood, but there is something rather romantic and classic about being in a high school relationship. It seems as though everyone has been in at least one serious relationship and I'm really upset that I'm going to miss out on that experience. If I were the type to cry, I would cry about it probably every night. That's how upset it makes me.

I want a strong, masculine guy who can hold me really tight, and let me hold him really tight. I don't want a feminine guy AT ALL. That is not my type, whatsoever. People always try to get me attracted to more feminine gay guys because they seem to be in more of an abundance than masculine ones (probably because they make their homosexuality so noticeable). I don't have anything against feminine gay guys, but they just aren't my type, and if I'm not physically attracted to someone, a relationship just won't ever happen. What is particularly horrible about my situation is the availability of masculine homosexuals at my school. I'm one of a handful of openly gay people at my high school, and while my school isn't supremely homophobic, it's still high school. People my age are cruel to say the least, not that it has affected me at all. Metaphorically, I give my entire school the middle finger just by walking down the halls. But it has affected other students who are less confident in themselves than I am. For instance, there is an absolutely gorgeous boy in my English class who has to be a homosexual. Ever since middle school, I have been sure of his homosexuality, and my opinion isn't biased because I became attracted to him at the beginning of my senior year. Everyone thinks he's gay, he's never had a girlfriend, he dresses well but not overtly homosexually, and he is somewhat feminine, mostly in his mannerisms. Needless to say, he is exactly my type. Beautiful face with a defined jawline, athletic and muscular, clean-cut, intelligent, somewhat sassy, and the fact that he drives a brand new BMW doesn't hurt either. He is everything I could ever want in a guy, except he isn't out! I've tried to distract my self with other options but quite frankly, all the other options are completely straight, or fugly as shit (rude, but true. At this age, I'm allowed to be shallow). He knows I'm gay, and thanks to my drunkass, he knows I like him. But he remains in the closet. He's the type who will never come out, unfortunately. So now I'm lonely, horny, and teased by a closeted homo who refuses to accept the cards he has been dealt. AWESOME.

Luckily, summer is just around the corner. Summer fling? Doubtful, but nonetheless possible, so I remain hopeful!