I Just Want Someone

I hate being single. I don't care what anyone else who is in a relationship says, being single is horrible. I had a friend who told me that being in a relationship isn't that great. I wanted to slap her across the face. She was, and still is, involved in what I see as the worst relationship among people I know (she's completely abandoned our friendship and has made no effort to make amends, so, I refuse to call her a friend anymore). What really angered me was how selfish she was being when she said that. She had the opportunity to be with somebody who cared for her, and would be there for her, and she had the audacity to tell me it wasn't worth it, right after I had vented to her about how lonely I felt and how badly I wished to be in a relationship with another guy. I'm a really social person; I love being with good friends as often as I can. I love my alone time, but I really love being with other people who I know care about me. Because of my social personality, it has been really hard being single for so long. At first, it didn't really bother me too much, but as more and more of my friends entered serious relationships, I became jealous, very jealous. Of course, I'll never admit this to them; I have too much damn pride to admit that I am jealous of my friends. I want somebody who I can call at midnight and will come with me to the beach and just lay there with me. I want a guy who can cry on my shoulder, someone I can tell how much I love them, somebody who will stand up for me, laugh with me, or just sit silence with me.

What I hate the most is how I have to wait. If I ever mention how I wish I was in a relationship, people always tell me that I'll be able to have that in college. And I fucking hate that! Why the fuck do I have to wait?? What the fuck did I do to not be able to enjoy a stupid high school relationship? It just isn't fair; and please don't fucking tell me that life isn't fair. I'm quite aware of life's inequalities. People always say that high school relationships are stupid and whatnot. But according to many psychological studies, younger people experience more intense emotions, which eventually level out as we age. This explains why young people are more exuberant and passionate compared to older people. I want to be able to feel the intense emotions which come with a high school relationship. And I'm not saying couples don't experience great emotion in college or their young adulthood, but there is something rather romantic and classic about being in a high school relationship. It seems as though everyone has been in at least one serious relationship and I'm really upset that I'm going to miss out on that experience. If I were the type to cry, I would cry about it probably every night. That's how upset it makes me.

I want a strong, masculine guy who can hold me really tight, and let me hold him really tight. I don't want a feminine guy AT ALL. That is not my type, whatsoever. People always try to get me attracted to more feminine gay guys because they seem to be in more of an abundance than masculine ones (probably because they make their homosexuality so noticeable). I don't have anything against feminine gay guys, but they just aren't my type, and if I'm not physically attracted to someone, a relationship just won't ever happen. What is particularly horrible about my situation is the availability of masculine homosexuals at my school. I'm one of a handful of openly gay people at my high school, and while my school isn't supremely homophobic, it's still high school. People my age are cruel to say the least, not that it has affected me at all. Metaphorically, I give my entire school the middle finger just by walking down the halls. But it has affected other students who are less confident in themselves than I am. For instance, there is an absolutely gorgeous boy in my English class who has to be a homosexual. Ever since middle school, I have been sure of his homosexuality, and my opinion isn't biased because I became attracted to him at the beginning of my senior year. Everyone thinks he's gay, he's never had a girlfriend, he dresses well but not overtly homosexually, and he is somewhat feminine, mostly in his mannerisms. Needless to say, he is exactly my type. Beautiful face with a defined jawline, athletic and muscular, clean-cut, intelligent, somewhat sassy, and the fact that he drives a brand new BMW doesn't hurt either. He is everything I could ever want in a guy, except he isn't out! I've tried to distract my self with other options but quite frankly, all the other options are completely straight, or fugly as shit (rude, but true. At this age, I'm allowed to be shallow). He knows I'm gay, and thanks to my drunkass, he knows I like him. But he remains in the closet. He's the type who will never come out, unfortunately. So now I'm lonely, horny, and teased by a closeted homo who refuses to accept the cards he has been dealt. AWESOME.

Luckily, summer is just around the corner. Summer fling? Doubtful, but nonetheless possible, so I remain hopeful!

Poison

At school, I'm known as the guy who will cuss you out or make you laugh. And I say to them: pick your fucking poison. But that's not why I'm writing. I'm here today to talk about a much different subject: NICOLE SCHERZINGER AND HER SONG "POISON". I have been listening to this shit nonstop all day long. I first heard it in Tigerheat and I finally downloaded it today. As far as songs go, it is by no means exceptional. But the beat! The beat is just irresistible. But don't worry, my taste in music isn't horrible, just varied.

Last night I went to a Fleet Foxes show at the Palladium in Hollywood and it was fucking amazing! My sister knows a guy who works for Live Nation and he got us VIP access! Sweet! We met Mischa Barton, Sandra Oh, and Chris Mintz. The show was sooooo chill. We just lounged around and breathed in the beautiful aroma of weed and talked among the celebs. It was so chill. I wish I could relive it again, but this time with more food haha.

Wow, my thoughts are all over the place tonight. I've basically decided that this is going to be my journal in which I spill secrets and what not, considering I don't know any of you and no one I know is likely to come across this page. I don't really have any secrets for tonight, however, I am having an awesome conversation with a future Michigan classmate. He's really cool and I'm excited to become friends with him in person! Any who, I neeeeeeeeed sleep, it's way past my bedtime. I''ll be back later this week to share more thoughts. Feel free to tell me your deepest darkest secretz ever. Ahahaha just kidding, I'm just in a really slap-happy mood right now. But tell me a cool fact about yourself, something strange or unique! I want to get to know my internet followers =)

Sex and Mary J

No, not Mary J. Blige, but marijuana. I love weed ahahaha. Just saying that cracks me up. But I was thinking today about my future in college and I realized that I definitely have no interest in joining a frat. At first I considered rushing because I am a guy so I wanted an easy access to frat parties. But then I thought about it and almost threw up. The thought of me being in a frat is both comical and sickening. Frat parties are so lame, honestly. Douchey people with crappy dancing skills does not interest me at all. So, I've decided that I'm just going to stick to weed. I've been smoking since the 8th grade and while I love it, it has never once interfered with my ability to get work done. It makes everything amazing, and I've never had a bad experience with it. Oh and the other day I discovered that cookies and cream ice cream while high is THE GREATEST. Wow, it's absolutely incredible. If I had had sex, I'd probably say this is better than sex. And this is a nice segway into my next topic: sex.

For starters, I'm a virgin (who can't drive, RIP Brittany Murphy). Shocking? Maybe, depends on who you ask. As much as I would like to have sex (I'm an 18 year old guy, what do you expect) I am in no rush to just do it with whomever. I've had plenty of offers, not to be cocky, but random sex grosses me out. I'm rather old fashioned and I think sex should be shared with someone who is really special to you. I'm not against premarital sex, I just believe that it should at least be with someone you really like, not a stranger or someone you've known for a few weeks. Because my school is filled with a disproportionate amount of ugly people and I'm one of the few openly gay guys, I remain single. So, for now I'll patiently wait and remain an untouched flower until the bumblebee of my dreams comes along :)

Share with me your thoughts about sex and drugs (and rock 'n' roll).

I Just Want Sleep!!!

Ahhhhh!!! The amount of sleep I have been deprived of this past week isn't even funny. Between studying for AP exams and finals, trying to get a job, and clubbing, all possibility of maintaining a regular sleep schedule flew out the window. Luckily, it's almost over and I'll be able to relax for the next 4 months. Tomorrow is my AP Chemistry exam and contrary to how most people are feeling, I am not worried or nervous at all. I know I am going to fail with flying colors. If anything, I'm annoyed I signed up for the test because now I have to sit in a room for 4 hours pretending I know anything about chemistry. I DO know of the chemistry between two people on the dance floor, courtesy of Tigerheat Thursdays at Avalon ahahaha. I was a bit of a slut on the dance floor shhh ;) I'm not usually like that, but tequila makes us do things we don't normally do.

Anyways, right now my life is kind of boring and my bed is singing a siren's song I cannot resist. I'll be back later with something more interesting to talk about :)