Reawakening

This past year has been an extreme roller coaster to say the very least. When I came out at the end of May 2010, I was in such a happier place than I am now. I guess I should first tell you my coming out story; it's rather bland, but it's still my story. I began to feel attraction to the same-sex when I was in middle school, probably around the age of 12 or 13. At first I believed it was some phase and it would go away, but alas, the feelings only grew stronger. I tried to hide it by dating girls, and I became quite the lady killer (on the outside). Eventually, in the summer of 2008, I decided that I was bisexual, which was a complete lie to myself. I knew I wasn't bi, but it just seemed easier than saying I was gay. During my sophomore year, I began to tell some of my closest friends. They all accepted and loved me even more, but to the public, I still remained closeted. Towards the end of my junior year, I took a trip to Boston and New York City. It was one of the best trips of my life. I fell in love with both of the cities and I was just so incredibly happy. I had created a formspring a few days before I left and during my time in New York City, I received a question asking if I was into guys. I responded saying, "I like both, it keeps things interesting." Of course, I was still in denial that I wasn't gay, but nonetheless, my secret was out. The news spread like wildfire but I had only received positive results. I wasn't tormented, made fun of, called names, nothing. I was so marvelously happy; I had returned from the East Coast a better and more confident man, and people loved me for it.

The beginning of summer 2010, was by far the best time in my life. I was out, expanding my horizons, partying every night, and just learning to love myself. I had my first gay experience with another guy too! I had a crush on a guy who I was (and still am) certain is gay, and my future prospects seemed so bright. For the whole month of July, I backpacked through China and Tibet performing various community service projects. It was the most incredible and eye opening experiences of my life. When I returned, I was expecting to be bombarded by my friends whom I hadn't seen for a whole month. That didn't happen at all. My closest friends of course rushed to see me, but everyone else seemed so unenthusiastic. I'm not trying to be selfish, but honestly, what would you expect from people who you thought were your friends. Returning home was miserable to say the least. My friends hardly seemed happy to see me, and frequently excluded me from hangouts. Returning home from China was the absolute worst because I was so eager to leave LA and start a new life. Overtime I began to slip into a depression which I have yet to fully get out of. I've felt as though my closest friends are no longer interested in me, and I've felt so incredibly alone. I have no one to relate to or talk to about being gay. The happiness of coming out was so short lived; I've discovered so many new problems and I honestly have no idea how to deal with them.

Today, however, I have decided to change how I feel. I refuse to let depression take hold of me. This is my life, these are my emotions, and I'm taking charge of how I feel. I refuse to feel so alone and left out. I know deep down that my friends do really love me and that I'm being dramatic and hypersensitive. I'm no longer going to envy all of my friends who are in relationships because quite frankly, right now is the worst time for me to be in one. I'm just as good a person single, as I would be if I was dating someone. I'm sick and tired of not having any energy, being lethargic, and unenthusiastic. I know that the key to being happy is feeling happy, and I am the only person who can control how I feel. I know I can't be happy all the time, by I can try and demand it from myself as often as possible. Today begins a new chapter in my life. I want to feel the happiness I felt in New York, and I know it's possible if I reverse my outlook on life to what it was a year ago.

P.S. I feel like tonight is a night I will be spending on the beach in Malibu. I just wish I had someone to walk with...