Reawakening

This past year has been an extreme roller coaster to say the very least. When I came out at the end of May 2010, I was in such a happier place than I am now. I guess I should first tell you my coming out story; it's rather bland, but it's still my story. I began to feel attraction to the same-sex when I was in middle school, probably around the age of 12 or 13. At first I believed it was some phase and it would go away, but alas, the feelings only grew stronger. I tried to hide it by dating girls, and I became quite the lady killer (on the outside). Eventually, in the summer of 2008, I decided that I was bisexual, which was a complete lie to myself. I knew I wasn't bi, but it just seemed easier than saying I was gay. During my sophomore year, I began to tell some of my closest friends. They all accepted and loved me even more, but to the public, I still remained closeted. Towards the end of my junior year, I took a trip to Boston and New York City. It was one of the best trips of my life. I fell in love with both of the cities and I was just so incredibly happy. I had created a formspring a few days before I left and during my time in New York City, I received a question asking if I was into guys. I responded saying, "I like both, it keeps things interesting." Of course, I was still in denial that I wasn't gay, but nonetheless, my secret was out. The news spread like wildfire but I had only received positive results. I wasn't tormented, made fun of, called names, nothing. I was so marvelously happy; I had returned from the East Coast a better and more confident man, and people loved me for it.

The beginning of summer 2010, was by far the best time in my life. I was out, expanding my horizons, partying every night, and just learning to love myself. I had my first gay experience with another guy too! I had a crush on a guy who I was (and still am) certain is gay, and my future prospects seemed so bright. For the whole month of July, I backpacked through China and Tibet performing various community service projects. It was the most incredible and eye opening experiences of my life. When I returned, I was expecting to be bombarded by my friends whom I hadn't seen for a whole month. That didn't happen at all. My closest friends of course rushed to see me, but everyone else seemed so unenthusiastic. I'm not trying to be selfish, but honestly, what would you expect from people who you thought were your friends. Returning home was miserable to say the least. My friends hardly seemed happy to see me, and frequently excluded me from hangouts. Returning home from China was the absolute worst because I was so eager to leave LA and start a new life. Overtime I began to slip into a depression which I have yet to fully get out of. I've felt as though my closest friends are no longer interested in me, and I've felt so incredibly alone. I have no one to relate to or talk to about being gay. The happiness of coming out was so short lived; I've discovered so many new problems and I honestly have no idea how to deal with them.

Today, however, I have decided to change how I feel. I refuse to let depression take hold of me. This is my life, these are my emotions, and I'm taking charge of how I feel. I refuse to feel so alone and left out. I know deep down that my friends do really love me and that I'm being dramatic and hypersensitive. I'm no longer going to envy all of my friends who are in relationships because quite frankly, right now is the worst time for me to be in one. I'm just as good a person single, as I would be if I was dating someone. I'm sick and tired of not having any energy, being lethargic, and unenthusiastic. I know that the key to being happy is feeling happy, and I am the only person who can control how I feel. I know I can't be happy all the time, by I can try and demand it from myself as often as possible. Today begins a new chapter in my life. I want to feel the happiness I felt in New York, and I know it's possible if I reverse my outlook on life to what it was a year ago.

P.S. I feel like tonight is a night I will be spending on the beach in Malibu. I just wish I had someone to walk with...

Awesome Day...

Woke up at 6:30 am feeling hungover, dragged my lazy ass to class, bombed my chem final (40% holla!), verbally harassed my English teacher for being an idiot, had a panic attack during my government class for no apparent reason, struggled to maintain consciousness during calculus, got home at 12:30 and napped for 3 hours. Now I'm bullshitting yet another English paper; I've written about 2 wordz. Awesome day? NEVER. I cannot wait until this pathetic excuse for an education, otherwise known as high school, is over.

calculus iz mai pashun tehe

On a brighter note, I filled out my housing application for the fall semester at the University of Michigan! I couldn't be any happier. Hopefully I'll be placed in East Quad with all the other artsy weirdos. It's apparently known as Odd Quad (sounds like home to me!).

On an even different note from the other two, I'd like to use this opportunity to tell my vast legions of followers (so far 0) a little about who I am. So here are 20 fun factz.

1. I'm a quarter Mexican, raised Jewish, and I'm gay. Fucking weirdest combo ever. (P.S. I no longer consider myself Jewish, just plain old spiritual).
2. I'm deathly afraid of zombies. First sign of a zombie apocalypse, and I'm immediately killing myself.
3. My music collection is my soul. One time my computer crashed and I only had all of my music on my iPod. Needless to say I was so damn protective of it, I even sprinted away, with my old dog no less, from two shady characters who looked like they really wanted my iPod. Music. Saved.
4. I absolutely hate when Americans use the UK spelling of theater. PISSES ME OFF. This is uhmerica.
5. When I was 10, I had the worst diet, and as a result my cholesterol skyrocketed to around 300. Yeah, EVERYONE was frightened. Except me of course, I had no idea it was a big deal.
6. When I was 17, I lived in China for one month and taught English to schoolchildren. I h8 white rice now.
7. I'm scared I won't like college.
8. Sometimes, I sneak out late at night and sleep on the beach. I love it.
9. When I was 7, I threw up all over my 1st grade teacher. I cried so hard, but she wasn't mad at all. She'll always be one of my favorite teachers.
10. I use the excuse of being drunk to tell people things I normally wouldn't have the guts to say to their face when I'm sober.
11. Even though I know my friends love me, and I love them, I still have this irrational fear that all of them talk mad shit about me behind my back. Paranoia?
12. Rollercoasters haven't scared me since I was 9. I wish they still did.
13. I've only cried 3 times within the past 8 years: when my parents divorced, when my cat died, and when my grandpa died. I try to make myself cry everyday, but it's impossible. I've just felt so numb lately.
14. At this very moment I am listening to Cosmic Love by Florence + The Machine.
15. My Michael Kors wallet has two dollars in it. str8 up ballin'
16. At the moment I can't think of any more interesting facts so I'll stop here. Enjoy!


Tell me a couple random/funny facts about yourself!

Here Goes Nothing...

So this is my first time blogging: it's 11:35 PM on Sunday, the last day of my Spring Break, and I have to get to class at 7:30 AM tomorrow morning to take a 90 min AP Chem final. Senior year is awesome dreadful. I have six weeks until I graduate and of course, time could not move any slower. I'm headed for the University of Michigan in the fall to study architecture, and I could not be any more excited. Leaving Los Angeles will be a good thing, I hope...

chem is scary :[