Coming Out to My Mom

I came out to my mom on Thursday June 30th, 2011. Crazy, because I never thought this day would come so soon. I wasn't planning on telling her that day, but during dinner when it was just the two of us, I felt this great urge inside me. It was begging me to tell her. And so, as quickly as the urge came, I told her. Plain and simple. She reacted positively, though to be honest, it wasn't like what I was hoping for. It was a rather lackluster affair, but I am so happy it happened. A weight has been lifted off my shoulders, at least temporarily, and now the last person on my list is my father. I have no idea how to approach that, but for the time being, I won't think about it.

Right now I have so many feelings going through me. I'm happy, excited, hopeful, nervous, and frustrated all at the same time. Summer seems to be picking up speed (so far, which is about three weeks, it has been incredibly lame and uneventful), and I am too excited for school. I've made a really great friend who lives in San Francisco and I can't wait to hangout with him and many other new people in lovely Ann Arbor. Also, I got a job at a day camp and I am sooo excited to work in a fun environment and make money while doing it! I'm a little bit nervous because it's my first job and there are so many expectations and responsibilities placed on camp counselors. I'm sure I'll do well though, I have a great co-counselor. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but life right now is pretty good.

It's Been A While...

Sorry it's been so long. Whateva, I do what I want! Prom was INSANE. The pre-prom party was like a red carpet photo shoot; everyone looked so fabulous and there were so many cameras. Hate to say it, but it was so LA of us. It's cool though, since we live in LA. The actual prom was whatever. The venue was really beautiful, if only I could say the same about some of the dresses I saw. After party = fucking insane epic party of the year. Rented out an entire hotel. A whole fucking hotel!! There was approximately 500 people there, all raging like they've never raged before. It was seriously epic, and will never be topped by any future classes.

Today was my last day of finals. Well my first, and last. They were bullshit, whatever. What do you expect out of a second semester senior who didn't give a shit to begin with. All I have left to do is graduate! I cannot believe high school is over, those were probably the fastest 4 years of my life. But I really couldn't care less. High school wasn't really the place for me. Don't get me wrong, I had so much fucking fun, but I'm over this shit ahahaha. I am so ready to R4G3 everyday over summer, and then MOVE TO COLLEGE. Ahhhh sooooo excited!!

I Just Want Someone

I hate being single. I don't care what anyone else who is in a relationship says, being single is horrible. I had a friend who told me that being in a relationship isn't that great. I wanted to slap her across the face. She was, and still is, involved in what I see as the worst relationship among people I know (she's completely abandoned our friendship and has made no effort to make amends, so, I refuse to call her a friend anymore). What really angered me was how selfish she was being when she said that. She had the opportunity to be with somebody who cared for her, and would be there for her, and she had the audacity to tell me it wasn't worth it, right after I had vented to her about how lonely I felt and how badly I wished to be in a relationship with another guy. I'm a really social person; I love being with good friends as often as I can. I love my alone time, but I really love being with other people who I know care about me. Because of my social personality, it has been really hard being single for so long. At first, it didn't really bother me too much, but as more and more of my friends entered serious relationships, I became jealous, very jealous. Of course, I'll never admit this to them; I have too much damn pride to admit that I am jealous of my friends. I want somebody who I can call at midnight and will come with me to the beach and just lay there with me. I want a guy who can cry on my shoulder, someone I can tell how much I love them, somebody who will stand up for me, laugh with me, or just sit silence with me.

What I hate the most is how I have to wait. If I ever mention how I wish I was in a relationship, people always tell me that I'll be able to have that in college. And I fucking hate that! Why the fuck do I have to wait?? What the fuck did I do to not be able to enjoy a stupid high school relationship? It just isn't fair; and please don't fucking tell me that life isn't fair. I'm quite aware of life's inequalities. People always say that high school relationships are stupid and whatnot. But according to many psychological studies, younger people experience more intense emotions, which eventually level out as we age. This explains why young people are more exuberant and passionate compared to older people. I want to be able to feel the intense emotions which come with a high school relationship. And I'm not saying couples don't experience great emotion in college or their young adulthood, but there is something rather romantic and classic about being in a high school relationship. It seems as though everyone has been in at least one serious relationship and I'm really upset that I'm going to miss out on that experience. If I were the type to cry, I would cry about it probably every night. That's how upset it makes me.

I want a strong, masculine guy who can hold me really tight, and let me hold him really tight. I don't want a feminine guy AT ALL. That is not my type, whatsoever. People always try to get me attracted to more feminine gay guys because they seem to be in more of an abundance than masculine ones (probably because they make their homosexuality so noticeable). I don't have anything against feminine gay guys, but they just aren't my type, and if I'm not physically attracted to someone, a relationship just won't ever happen. What is particularly horrible about my situation is the availability of masculine homosexuals at my school. I'm one of a handful of openly gay people at my high school, and while my school isn't supremely homophobic, it's still high school. People my age are cruel to say the least, not that it has affected me at all. Metaphorically, I give my entire school the middle finger just by walking down the halls. But it has affected other students who are less confident in themselves than I am. For instance, there is an absolutely gorgeous boy in my English class who has to be a homosexual. Ever since middle school, I have been sure of his homosexuality, and my opinion isn't biased because I became attracted to him at the beginning of my senior year. Everyone thinks he's gay, he's never had a girlfriend, he dresses well but not overtly homosexually, and he is somewhat feminine, mostly in his mannerisms. Needless to say, he is exactly my type. Beautiful face with a defined jawline, athletic and muscular, clean-cut, intelligent, somewhat sassy, and the fact that he drives a brand new BMW doesn't hurt either. He is everything I could ever want in a guy, except he isn't out! I've tried to distract my self with other options but quite frankly, all the other options are completely straight, or fugly as shit (rude, but true. At this age, I'm allowed to be shallow). He knows I'm gay, and thanks to my drunkass, he knows I like him. But he remains in the closet. He's the type who will never come out, unfortunately. So now I'm lonely, horny, and teased by a closeted homo who refuses to accept the cards he has been dealt. AWESOME.

Luckily, summer is just around the corner. Summer fling? Doubtful, but nonetheless possible, so I remain hopeful!

Poison

At school, I'm known as the guy who will cuss you out or make you laugh. And I say to them: pick your fucking poison. But that's not why I'm writing. I'm here today to talk about a much different subject: NICOLE SCHERZINGER AND HER SONG "POISON". I have been listening to this shit nonstop all day long. I first heard it in Tigerheat and I finally downloaded it today. As far as songs go, it is by no means exceptional. But the beat! The beat is just irresistible. But don't worry, my taste in music isn't horrible, just varied.

Last night I went to a Fleet Foxes show at the Palladium in Hollywood and it was fucking amazing! My sister knows a guy who works for Live Nation and he got us VIP access! Sweet! We met Mischa Barton, Sandra Oh, and Chris Mintz. The show was sooooo chill. We just lounged around and breathed in the beautiful aroma of weed and talked among the celebs. It was so chill. I wish I could relive it again, but this time with more food haha.

Wow, my thoughts are all over the place tonight. I've basically decided that this is going to be my journal in which I spill secrets and what not, considering I don't know any of you and no one I know is likely to come across this page. I don't really have any secrets for tonight, however, I am having an awesome conversation with a future Michigan classmate. He's really cool and I'm excited to become friends with him in person! Any who, I neeeeeeeeed sleep, it's way past my bedtime. I''ll be back later this week to share more thoughts. Feel free to tell me your deepest darkest secretz ever. Ahahaha just kidding, I'm just in a really slap-happy mood right now. But tell me a cool fact about yourself, something strange or unique! I want to get to know my internet followers =)

Sex and Mary J

No, not Mary J. Blige, but marijuana. I love weed ahahaha. Just saying that cracks me up. But I was thinking today about my future in college and I realized that I definitely have no interest in joining a frat. At first I considered rushing because I am a guy so I wanted an easy access to frat parties. But then I thought about it and almost threw up. The thought of me being in a frat is both comical and sickening. Frat parties are so lame, honestly. Douchey people with crappy dancing skills does not interest me at all. So, I've decided that I'm just going to stick to weed. I've been smoking since the 8th grade and while I love it, it has never once interfered with my ability to get work done. It makes everything amazing, and I've never had a bad experience with it. Oh and the other day I discovered that cookies and cream ice cream while high is THE GREATEST. Wow, it's absolutely incredible. If I had had sex, I'd probably say this is better than sex. And this is a nice segway into my next topic: sex.

For starters, I'm a virgin (who can't drive, RIP Brittany Murphy). Shocking? Maybe, depends on who you ask. As much as I would like to have sex (I'm an 18 year old guy, what do you expect) I am in no rush to just do it with whomever. I've had plenty of offers, not to be cocky, but random sex grosses me out. I'm rather old fashioned and I think sex should be shared with someone who is really special to you. I'm not against premarital sex, I just believe that it should at least be with someone you really like, not a stranger or someone you've known for a few weeks. Because my school is filled with a disproportionate amount of ugly people and I'm one of the few openly gay guys, I remain single. So, for now I'll patiently wait and remain an untouched flower until the bumblebee of my dreams comes along :)

Share with me your thoughts about sex and drugs (and rock 'n' roll).

I Just Want Sleep!!!

Ahhhhh!!! The amount of sleep I have been deprived of this past week isn't even funny. Between studying for AP exams and finals, trying to get a job, and clubbing, all possibility of maintaining a regular sleep schedule flew out the window. Luckily, it's almost over and I'll be able to relax for the next 4 months. Tomorrow is my AP Chemistry exam and contrary to how most people are feeling, I am not worried or nervous at all. I know I am going to fail with flying colors. If anything, I'm annoyed I signed up for the test because now I have to sit in a room for 4 hours pretending I know anything about chemistry. I DO know of the chemistry between two people on the dance floor, courtesy of Tigerheat Thursdays at Avalon ahahaha. I was a bit of a slut on the dance floor shhh ;) I'm not usually like that, but tequila makes us do things we don't normally do.

Anyways, right now my life is kind of boring and my bed is singing a siren's song I cannot resist. I'll be back later with something more interesting to talk about :)

Reawakening

This past year has been an extreme roller coaster to say the very least. When I came out at the end of May 2010, I was in such a happier place than I am now. I guess I should first tell you my coming out story; it's rather bland, but it's still my story. I began to feel attraction to the same-sex when I was in middle school, probably around the age of 12 or 13. At first I believed it was some phase and it would go away, but alas, the feelings only grew stronger. I tried to hide it by dating girls, and I became quite the lady killer (on the outside). Eventually, in the summer of 2008, I decided that I was bisexual, which was a complete lie to myself. I knew I wasn't bi, but it just seemed easier than saying I was gay. During my sophomore year, I began to tell some of my closest friends. They all accepted and loved me even more, but to the public, I still remained closeted. Towards the end of my junior year, I took a trip to Boston and New York City. It was one of the best trips of my life. I fell in love with both of the cities and I was just so incredibly happy. I had created a formspring a few days before I left and during my time in New York City, I received a question asking if I was into guys. I responded saying, "I like both, it keeps things interesting." Of course, I was still in denial that I wasn't gay, but nonetheless, my secret was out. The news spread like wildfire but I had only received positive results. I wasn't tormented, made fun of, called names, nothing. I was so marvelously happy; I had returned from the East Coast a better and more confident man, and people loved me for it.

The beginning of summer 2010, was by far the best time in my life. I was out, expanding my horizons, partying every night, and just learning to love myself. I had my first gay experience with another guy too! I had a crush on a guy who I was (and still am) certain is gay, and my future prospects seemed so bright. For the whole month of July, I backpacked through China and Tibet performing various community service projects. It was the most incredible and eye opening experiences of my life. When I returned, I was expecting to be bombarded by my friends whom I hadn't seen for a whole month. That didn't happen at all. My closest friends of course rushed to see me, but everyone else seemed so unenthusiastic. I'm not trying to be selfish, but honestly, what would you expect from people who you thought were your friends. Returning home was miserable to say the least. My friends hardly seemed happy to see me, and frequently excluded me from hangouts. Returning home from China was the absolute worst because I was so eager to leave LA and start a new life. Overtime I began to slip into a depression which I have yet to fully get out of. I've felt as though my closest friends are no longer interested in me, and I've felt so incredibly alone. I have no one to relate to or talk to about being gay. The happiness of coming out was so short lived; I've discovered so many new problems and I honestly have no idea how to deal with them.

Today, however, I have decided to change how I feel. I refuse to let depression take hold of me. This is my life, these are my emotions, and I'm taking charge of how I feel. I refuse to feel so alone and left out. I know deep down that my friends do really love me and that I'm being dramatic and hypersensitive. I'm no longer going to envy all of my friends who are in relationships because quite frankly, right now is the worst time for me to be in one. I'm just as good a person single, as I would be if I was dating someone. I'm sick and tired of not having any energy, being lethargic, and unenthusiastic. I know that the key to being happy is feeling happy, and I am the only person who can control how I feel. I know I can't be happy all the time, by I can try and demand it from myself as often as possible. Today begins a new chapter in my life. I want to feel the happiness I felt in New York, and I know it's possible if I reverse my outlook on life to what it was a year ago.

P.S. I feel like tonight is a night I will be spending on the beach in Malibu. I just wish I had someone to walk with...